


Just hold me now

by taesun



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bittersweet, Implied Sexual Content, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-09
Updated: 2017-12-12
Packaged: 2019-02-12 17:08:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12964275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taesun/pseuds/taesun
Summary: The Overdose promotion would never be a good memory to any of them.For Zitao, as for everyone else, the path had been very rough and painful. The Call Me Baby comeback brought an even more heavy load for them all to take, having to prove that they still could carry on the fame.After the hard promotions, SM had given Zitao the tickets to go home for a good rest, he had been so happy he cried.Being back in Qingdao was amazing and he'd been lying down in his favorite park, when he had heard it.The laugh from the person he'd looked up to the most, the person he'd loved, the person who had once left.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **Please note that I wrote this back in 2015.**  
>  I got the idea while studying and, kind of wishing things like this had happened, I wrote about it.
> 
> (org. posted on my own account on AF)

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Finally, thought Zitao, _finally_ could he go back to China to rest with his family. The promotions of _Call Me Baby_ had been hard for him, just as for everyone else. He didn't even participate that much because of his injury, but that had just resulted in bad rumours and badmouthing from both fans and netizens. Zitao loved his fans, but he wished that they would understand things with more ease, without jumping to conclusions without really knowing the truth.

EXO was still in a rough path anyway, and you could notice the uncertainty still linger around in every single member, some more than others. SM was also affected a lot, letting Yixing get his own studio and even letting Zitao go home to rest - this was nothing they would had done before. Everyone knew that it probably was for bribing, begging them to stay in EXO, afraid that they too would leave.

Zitao and Yixing had talked a lot after Yifan and Luhan had left, sitting down for hours.   
Yifan's leave came with anger, confusion and shock - mixed emotions from all the members. Yifan had mentioned having a hard time to very few among them. Kyungsoo had been understanding, telling them that Yifan had told him how tired he was, how this was not the way he wanted his career to go. Kyungsoo had been the closest to Yifan right before he left, maybe because Kyungsoo was a good listener and they had fit together well. Kyungsoo had screamed at the others for not understanding Yifan, for never listening, when he himself always had done. He had been angry at the members for speaking and uploading things without thinking, and it had resulted in him not speaking to anyone but the others who had been the closest to Yifan - which were Yixing, Luhan and Minseok. 

After Yifan had left Yixing had tried to calm Zitao down along with Luhan and Minseok. He had screamed, cried and cursed Yifan for leaving loudly. Kyungsoo had been the most angry at Zitao for this - for being immature, for handling the situation wrong. Zitao had been just as angry at Kyungsoo as he was at Yifan, because Yifan had told everything to Kyungsoo instead of to him. Was it also because of jealousy? For a lot of reasons, Zitao had indeed been the most affected by Yifan's leave, mostly because he had loved him. 

Yifan had been his saviour in Korea, someone he'd looked up to since the day they'd first met, someone who had held him close whenever he needed it. Zitao had been calm and comfortable around Yifan, had felt safe. Somewhere right before their debut, Zitao had a breakdown, unable to breath properly through tears of pure nervousness and panic. Yifan had been there for three hours, holding him until he'd calmed down. They had found themselves somewhere between strong friendship and love - warm hugs leading to soft kissed had come naturally.   
When Yifan left, a part of Zitao had left with him.

Luhan's leave wasn't as surprising. Luhan had been sick for a long time, visiting hospitals every week, eating medicine everyday to even function. Zitao had understood Luhan, but it had still hurt when he told them that he wasn't going to come back with them from Beijing. Luhan had apologised for not being strong enough, apologised for not wanting to be controlled without getting any rest. Minseok had been alone with Luhan the last day, from early morning to late night. Most of the members had their ideas that there was something going on between those two, but Luhan and Minseok never told the group anything. Luhan had told Yixing though, and Yixing had told Zitao that Luhan and Minseok were in love, and it was nothing wrong with that.

Minseok had asked for time alone after Luhan left, not wanting comfort or pity from anyone - since they all knew he had been the closest to Luhan. After a week of silence he had started to seek comfort at the gym, speaking to his sunbaes rather than his own members.  Zitao remebered when Minseok's room always seemed to be empty, or locked close. Minseok hadn't opened up again until one month later, saying he was still in contact with Luhan, but he didn't want any questions about him. The others had listened to their elder, and they had promised each other to continue fighting to become a strong EXO once again. 

The _Overdose_ promotion would never be a good memory to any of them.

The fight to get everyone together after that had been hard. They had fought easily and misunderstandings had been many - but the arguments got them closer, got them to understand. Some became closer than others, new friendships were created, and they regretted not being this honest to each other from the beginning. They were formed to be an idol group, it was their work, they didn't need to be friends. But if they wanted to keep EXO for a long time, friendship and respect for all of them was needed dearly.  You needed to become an adult to be able to face the work of being an idol, and they regretted not realizing it sooner, regretted being immature, regretting treating their job as their dream.

The hard times and arguments had brought Zitao closer to Sehun. They had understood each other, had the same opinions and Sehun had been a good solid rock for Zitao to lean on. Zitao had found out that he didn't like being alone, that he needed attention nearly all the time. It was embarrassing, but Sehun had understood. It was something that clicked between them and within weeks they became inseparable. Being with Sehun made Zitao forget about all the sad things, all the difficulties and he was just... happy. 

One night they had opened up about each others life. Talked about their family, school, bad memories along with happy ones - on that same night Sehun had softly kissed his temple. Zitao had already felt that his heart was feeling something different when it came to Sehun, and one week later when Sehun kissed him on the mouth, he didn't hesitate to kiss back.

They had been nervous about coming out to their members. Sehun had told him that he wanted to tell them, while Zitao wanted to keep it a secret. Not that Zitao counted the thing he had had with Yifan as a _relationship_ , but they had never told anyone. Yifan had wanted it to be a secret, saying that it was better if no one knew, and Zitao had obeyed.

About one month after their first kiss, Minseok had knocked on their door to their shared room. Zitao had let him in, and without really saying hello, Minseok had asked them if they were dating. Sehun had stood up, taken Zitao's hand in his own and answered _'yes'_. Minseok had then asked for how long, how far they had gone, if they planned on telling the others, and if they planned on staying together for a long time. Sehun had answered every question truthfully, showing respect to his hyung, knowing it was the right thing to do. Zitao had been nervous and scared, not saying anything while listening to the conversation in front of him.

Minseok had nodded when Sehun was done explaining, "Then if you think you can do this, without letting it affect your job, tell the others. Even though some of them, as you know, aren't that understanding when it comes to LGBTQ questions, they will accept you. Don't be afraid to be yourself," he had said, smiling.

Zitao's heart had hurt, because Minseok and Luhan had been hiding their relationship to most of the members, and something in Minseok's eyes told him that it was something he regretted. Zitao knew that Minseok still loved Luhan dearly, but he didn't know how their relationship status was now. It must be difficult to be away from someone you love after you've been together everyday for years. Maybe Minseok and Luhan knew they weren't going to be together forever? Maybe that was why they didn't tell, maybe that was why Minseok told them they should tell the members if they were sure they would stay together? 

About one week later, Sehun had gathered the members to share the news.  
Zitao had stood behind him, heart racing for what reactions it would bring.  
In the end it went ok, they were accepted.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

The members has been preparing for the _Call Me Baby_ comeback the same way they did for their debut. They had to show a stronger side, show that they could still carry on the fame, be good enough even without the presence of Yifan and Luhan. The training had been draining, and many of them had gotten injured in the process. That's what endless practice without rest did to you anyway, and their bodies took a big toll on it. Especially Jongdae and Chanyeol had problems to keep their food, while Zitao, Yixing and Jongin had constant pain in various parts of their bodies.

Zitao had hurt himself badly, and not being able to participate made him both sad and angry. He wanted to share his energy into the comeback as well, but if he didn't rest, he would had to leave EXO for good as well. At the dorm no one had blamied him though, and Sehun was always beside him, supporting him, making him feel calm and still needed.

When SM suggested him to go home to his family in China for a proper rest, Zitao was so happy he had started to cry. He loved being in Korea, but nothing could make him heal faster than his family. SM had given him the tickets, confirming with his parents when it was ok to come and when to return to Korea, and Zitao had left three days later. Saying goodbye to the members, who some also were going to go home to their families later, over the short break between promotions. 

He had kissed Sehun goodbye behind closed doors. They had promised to call, but not too often since it was better to take time for themselves, time for their families. But since Sehun knew Zitao's yearning for affection, he'd said he could text whenever he wanted to anyway. Zitao had nodded smiling. Getting a rest, even if it only was for two weeks, was well deserved for all of them.

 

Zitao's mum had cried when she hugged him at the airport, telling him that his favorite food was already prepared at home. Zitao had been smiling at the scenery of his hometown flashing before him through the car window, being home always made his heart warm. This was where he'd grown up, the town holding all his childhood memories.

The first week home had been amazing. Endless talks with his family, friends coming over to hang out and all the delicious food he finally got to eat again made him almost forget that he soon had to go back to his reality of being an idol again. His injury was healing steadily, his grandmother knowing the tricks, loving to take care of her beloved grandson.

The time maybe went by too quickly, and suddenly it was only three days left until his scheduled flight back home. 

"Mum, I'm just going out for a while," he said to his mother.

"Oh darling, are you sure that's ok? Won't everyone recognize you?"

"I'll be ok! If I don't dress fancy and have a normal cap on my head no one will see that I'm Tao from EXO," he grinned at his mother.

She didn't like him being out on his own, she was afraid something would happen.   
Zitao knew this, "Mum, I'll be careful I promise? I have my phone with me anyway,"

His mother sighed, "Alright, just give me a call before you come home."

Zitao nodded, and went to the door.

It was a long time ago he'd wandered alone on the streets of Qingdao, last time Sehun had been with him. His parents loved Sehun, and Sehun loved them. He smiled at that memory, that vacation together had been perfect in every way possible.

He reached his favorite park, which had a big playground, a basketball court and small exercise machines, right by the best view of the beautiful sea. It was only 2 o'clock, so most people were at work or in school, leaving him with less chance to get recognised. He walked to lay down on a bench, turning to look at the view, listening to the breeze of the ocean. He missed being close to the sea. Being born in a harbour town, being close to the sea was something he felt very comfortable with. And he guessed everyone with a home close to the sea felt the same way. The sea made him calm.

He turned on his ipod, listening to some of favorite songs from his childhood, smiling to himself. He layed like that for good while, he didn't really keep track of time. It wasn't until he heard voices and thuds of a basketball hitting the ground in between his music, that he sat up, turning around to watch the people playing. Three tall guys, and one a little smaller. Two of the taller ones were really good, and the younger shouted complains about being too short, about the rest of them taking advantage of him. Zitao giggled at him, feeling sorry for him.

He watched them play, one of them kind of had the same tequnices as Yifan had, Zitao noticed. He'd seen Yifan play so much basketball through their years together that he would nev- _wait_.  
Zitao furrowed his brows, he played too much alike Yifan, it was like a copy. He even had the same height, same way of running.

Zitao stood up to walk closer, to get a better look when he heard him laugh.

He froze as he saw the tall guy turn around.   
Yifan, laughing loudly, dribbling the ball away from his friend, running toward the hoop and scoring two points. Zitao was staring - Why was he here? Was he dreaming?

He heard him speak and it was real. It was him.

Yifan was looking much more healthier. He had gained weight, and the darker hair looked more natural and softer on him. Of course Zitao had looked up news on him on his laptop, but seeing his transformation to the better in person hit Zitao like a bullet.

He felt dizzy as he heard Yifan laugh again and without really noticing, his legs started to carry him closer. He took of his cap, revealing his bleached unstyled hair and dropped it on the ground. He tried to breath through the heavy pressure of ache building up against his chest. He stopped.

Yifan was having the ball again, one of his friend running towards the hoop where Zitao was close by, and Zitao saw Yifan pass the ball to his friend who scored. This time though, there wasn't any cheer coming from Yifan. Zitao looked up and met Yifan's staring eyes.

The pressure against Zitao's chest turned heavier, more painful, and he let out a groan as the first tear escaped his eye, "Y-yifan?" he said quietly.

Yifan wasn't close enough to hear him, but Zitao could see him form his name on his lips as well. He took the courage to walk closer, stopping when he finally saw him clearly. He was looking just as shocked, sad and nervous, as Zitao felt. 

"Y-yifan?" he tried again and this time Yifan nodded.

Zitao felt more tears run down his cheeks.  
He didn't know what to do, what to feel. The pressure against his chest was so painful and the lump in his throath hurted just as much.

"Yifan, h-how did you- Why are y-you..."

Yifan approached him, and Zitao noticed the tears in Yifan's eyes, the uncertainty in his movements. 

"Don't hate me," he heard Yifan whisper, before he was pulled into a hug.

The pressure in his chest finally released the emotions and he cried out, holding onto Yifan's shoulders.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


	2. Chapter 2

\- - - - - - - - - - - -

Zitao couldn't recall how they managed to get into one of Yifan's friend's car, he was still too shocked about meeting Yifan again to think straight.

"I think it's better if we go to my apartment instead of going back to the hotel," Yifan's friend said, "No one can see you two together,"

"Yeah, I would appreciate that," Yifan answered.

Zitao looked at Yifan and his heart gave this painful beat again.

"I'm sorry Zitao," Yifan said, looking at him, "We can't be seen, so is it ok if we go to his apartment and talk? If you want to talk,"

Zitao nodded.   
The questions he had for the older was unlimited, and apologies were just as many.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, voice raspy, "Why are you here, in Qingdao?"

Yifan smiled, "I'm going to record a CF here tomorrow, so I just went a day ahead to visit my friends,"

"I never thought I was going to see you again," Zitao said bluntly.

Yifan looked at him, "Well, at least not in this way, right?"

Zitao allowed himself to smile. He had always loved to be around Yifan, and even now when he was so uncertain of everything, one side of him felt relaxed to finally be around the older once again.

It only took them ten minutes to get to the apartment, and they followed Yifan's friend up so he could unlock the door, letting them inside.

"I'll leave you alone, me and Changbo will go to his place," he smiled, "Just text me if you want something,"

"Ok, thank you," Yifan answered, closing the door behind him.

Silence fell over them as they looked at each other.

"How have you been?" Yifan asked first.

Zitao looked down, taking of his shoes, "It's been hard, you know,"

"I'm sorry," Yifan mumbled as he took of his shoes as well.

They walked into the small living room and sat down on the navy blue couch.

Zitao's eyes scanned the other man, head to toe, "I hated you," he admitted.

"I know,"

"I truly hated you," he repeated, meeting Yifan's eyes. "You never said anything! But apparently you told everything to Kyungsoo? Why didn't you tell me? I thought that we, you know, were close,"

Yifan sighed, "I couldn't tell you."

"Why not?! I've opened myself up raw in front of you, but you couldn't even say that you wanted to leave?"

"Even if I told you, you would had reacted the same way. And I was afraid you would consider leaving as well," Yifan said, "I know you love being in EXO, so I didn't want to be the bad force dragging you out of it. You need a team behind you to be strong. I don't."

Zitao groaned, "Even so, you still could have told me. Even if you couldn't tell me you were going to leave, you could have said you felt sad and tired! I noticed it anyway, you know, because you slowly changed for the worse. The Yifan I met when I first came to Korea wasn't the same Yifan after the Growl promotions had finished. You had many chances to tell me, we were alone a lot of times, but instead you chosed to tell everything to Kyungsoo?"

"Kyungsoo came to me and asked for how I felt directly, I just answered him. Kyungsoo had been thinking of leaving as well, you know with the depression and all, so we kind of bonded through it,"

Zitao felt tears build up again, he already knew about Kyungsoo's depression, "So you were depressed as well?" he asked.

Yifan nodded, "I guess everything just became too much for me to handle,"

"Why didn't you tell me?!" Fresh tears left Zitao's eyes.

Yifan leaned in closer, "Zitao, please,"

"No!" Zitao cried, "I will never understand why you didn't tell me! I was supposed to be your best friend! Your... someone you loved," 

Zitao paused as Yifan's gaze sunk to the floor, not saying anything. He looked so vulnerable, yet so much healthier and happier than he'd ever seen him before. Zitao understood that leaving EXO had been the best decision he ever could've made for himself. He was proud of Yifan, even through the hurt and betrayal.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

Yifan looked up, "Why are you sorry?"

"When you left, I was so angry and I cursed at you everywhere, to everyone," tears continuing spilling over, rolling down his cheeks, "I just felt so betrayed, like you didn't care about me at all."

Yifan reached over to wipe away the youngers tears, "You had all the rights in the world to react the way you did. I don't blame you, really."

"I made other people hate you," Zitao sniffed.

Yifan shrugged, "I don't care,"

"You just meant a lot to me," Zitao continued, "And knowing you choosed Kyungsoo over me..."

"I didn't really _choose_ him over you though, we didn't have what you and me had, ok?"

"Fans thought you guys were dating," Zitao muttered.

Yifan laughed, "Nah, he's not my type."

Zitao wouldn't lie, he had thought Yifan and Kyungsoo had been dating for sure, so hearing the truth made his heart light up a bit. Why, he didn't know, because it didn't really matter anymore, but he smiled anyway.

As the conversation died out, they were quiet for a minute before Yifan spoke up first;

"Are you with Sehun now?"

Zitao frowned, "How did you..?"

Yifan shrugged, "It was bond to happen I guess. I noticed Sehun looking at you maybe a little bit too much. Also while you and me stopped hanging out everyday, you were drawn to Sehun."

Zitao felt a cold wave hit him, he felt guilty.

Yifan noticed, "Don't worry, I'm not angry. It's not like I had marked you as mine or something,"

Zitao looked down, nodding. "But we still had _something_."

Yifan smiled, "I know and I don't regret it,"

"Me neither," Zitao said, smiling back at the other.

"Have you and Sehun told the members?"

"Yeah,"

"How did they take it?"

"It went ok,"

Yifan paused, looking down at his hands again, "How far have you gone?"

Zitao's eyes sank to the ground as well. Even though he and Yifan had been having something going on for years, they had never been more intimate than a few handjobs. Their relationship had mostly been baised upon kisses and embraces. They had been closer, more intimate, only when Yifan had been out drinking. Zitao would never forget those nights, because Yifan had been all he ever wanted. Slowly taking off their clothes, caressing their sensitive bodies, leaving wet kisses while slowly grinding against each other... It had been breathtaking. But they had never gone further, because Yifan had always pulled away. Always.

Zitao swallowed, "We have gone all the way," he admitted quietly.

Yifan exhaled, turning to look at the younger, "I hope he will take good care of you,"

Zitao nodded, "He does."

Yifan gave him a reassuring smile, "It's been hard right? With both me and Luhan leaving?"

Zitao nodded, "It's been hell."

He started to explain what's been going on - all the arguments, the malicious comments from netizens and fans. How hard it had been for them to keep together, to stay strong, but in the end how they had succeeded. Yifan had been happy that they had been able to carry on - wanting them to disband had never been something he wanted. Zitao also told him how Kyungsoo had defended him, how the boy had screamed loudly at everyone.

"Are you in contact with Kyungsoo now?" Zitao stopped to ask.

Yifan shook his head, "We decided to get in contact again after things had calmed down, no matter how long time it would take."

"But it's already been a year,"

"I know, but a promise is a promise. Things are still tough right? I think it's hard for Kyungsoo to keep contact with me without the company finding out,"

"But Minseok is keeping contact with Luhan,"

Yifan smiled, "Yeah, I know. They're professionals I guess. I'm happy for them,"

Zitao smiled back, "You met Luhan recently, right? I saw it on the news,"

Yifan answered, telling him about how Luhan was doing, how they had kept contact regulary. Zitao also asked if Yifan knew about Luhan and Minseok's relationship. Yifan told him that they were still considered dating, and that Luhan had told him all about the relationship with Minseok last time they'd met.

"Does Luhan know about you and me?" Zitao asked.

"I haven't told anyone, Zitao," Yifan answered as he stood up, "Do you want water?

Zitao sighed, he had never figured out why Yifan so desperatly wanted to hide the truth.   
Truth about himself, his feelings, the truth about him and Zitao... 

"You didn't even tell Kyungsoo?"

Yifan ignored the question, "Did you want water or not?"

Zitao stood up as well, following the older into the kitchen, "Why are you so sensitive when it comes to this? You always wanted to hide everything,"

The older turned around, pouring water in a blue cup, "Don't think too much,"

Zitao rolled his eyes, "I think you're the one that needs to stop thinking too much," he walked up closer, "Does Kyungsoo know?"

Yifan glared at him, "Have you told anyone?"

"No! I haven't!" Zitao groaned, "But what I asked now was if you had told Kyungsoo?,"

Yifan gulped down the water, placing the empty cup down, "I didn't tell him, he already knew," he finally answered, "That's also partly why he got so upset with you,"

Zitao gaped, "What? How did he know?"

"I don't really know, he just told me one day that he knew about us and that he respected my wish of keeping it a secret," he said, "I guess he saw us making out or something, I don't know,"

Zitao hid his face in his hands, he felt embarrassed.

Yifan noticed, "Hey, it's ok. He would never tell anyone,"

"I know," he said, voice muffled through his hands, "But why did you want to keep us a secret?"

Yifan looked at him with sad eyes, "Not now, Zitao,"

"Then when?" he pushed, "Is it because you're embarrassed? Because you're not supposed to do what we did?"

"It has nothing to do with that," Yifan cut in, "You know I have no problem with-,"

"Then why?"

Yifan drew his hand through his hair, "I don't know, it was just easier that way,"

Zitao glared at him, he wanted answers, because after this they might not ever meet again, "Why did you always stop?"

Yifan looked confused, "Stop what?"

"Whenever we got too intimate, you always stopped."

"You were young, Zitao. I couldn't take advantage of you,"

"I was old enough to do what I wanted, I was more than ready for anything when it came to you,"

"That's exactly the reason," Yifan sighed.

"What?"

Yifan took a deep breath, watching the younger, "You would do anything I said to you," he stated, "And I didn't want to take advantage of that,"

Zitao rolled his eyes, "I don't think it's called taking advantage when both parties are having the same feelings for each other," his eyes met Yifan's, and a sudden feeling of doubt hit him, "Or didn't you..?"

Yifan went to him, taking his hand, "Of course I did,"

Zitao squeezed the others' hand, stepping even more closer. Zitao closed his eyes and Yifan smelled like summer - just like before, without all the layers of makeup and expensive perfume. This was the same Yifan he'd met when he first came to Korea, just more strong, more grown-up.

He opened up his eyes, hand releasing Yifan's as he trailed them both up the olders' chest, up to his sharp jawline, slowly caressing his soft cheeks.

"Zitao..." Yifan whispered.

Yifan's eyes searched for contact, and when Zitao finally met his gaze, the younger leaned in closer and kissed him.

Zitao felt a warm tear land on his cheek, Yifan was crying. Zitao's heart hurt as he tried to take Yifan's pain away by kissing him harder, more passionately. He vaguely heard Yifan's sobs, repeatedly whispering sorry, through the warm kisses.

\- - - - - - - - - - - -


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last part !!  
> be prepared . . .

\- - - - - - - - - - - -

"Zitao, please," Yifan carefully pushed the younger away from him, "Don't do this,"

Zitao frowned, "Why not?"

Yifan let out a sarcastic laugh, "Why not?" he repeated, "Did you already forget about Sehun? We shouldn't do this,"

"Why are you crying?"

The question caught Yifan off guard, "Zitao-"

"For once please tell me what you're thinking,"

Yifan glared back, wiping his eyes, "I just feel bad for you. I feel bad for leaving EXO, and it's killing me that I left you. Though I know I made the right decision by doing so," 

He sighed as he held the youngers hand once again, "You meant a lot to me, and you still do. EXO overall meant so much to me, but my body couldn't take it any longer. So I'm crying out of guilt, ok?"

Zitao studied him, "Will you come back?"

"No," Yifan's answer was barely a whisper, but the tone was firm.

"Then can't we just be like we were before? Just for today?" Zitao asked just as quietly.

Yifan looked at the other for a while - Zitao lost count after 10 seconds - Yifan's eyes were full of questions, screaming out pain. Something inside of Zitao told him that this was the last time he'd ever meet Yifan again, and it sent shivers through his blood. He lowered his head first, closing the distance as he pulled the other into a hug. 

Maybe minutes passed? Zitao wasn't really sure, but the feeling of 'never again' frightened him, wanted him to keep Yifan as close as possible. As he inhaled Yifan's scent, the anger was far gone. Zitao left a small kiss on Yifan's exposed neck, holding his lips there for a moment before he placed another one further up. 

Yifan shivered, Zitao knew all about his sweet spots and when he had carressed them, making Yifan feel loved, had been one of the most important things back then. He parted his mouth, tracing it along the tender skin, inhaling sharply in the process, smiling as he recieved a moan from the elder.

The moan egged him on, leaving an open kiss against the other's neck, tracing his lips along the sharp jawline until he was face to face with the older. Yifan's eyes was closed and Zitao wasted no time to connect their lips once again.

Just as the kiss started though, Zitao was pushed away, "Zitao, stop,"

Zitao was confused, "But-"

"No!" the loud voice made Zitao flinch and Yifan took hold of his arm, "Didn't you listen to me before when I mentioned Sehun?! You're in a fucking relationship now, Zitao! Do not forget that,"

"Don't mention him!" Zitao yelled back, "I know full well that this is the last time I'll ever see you again! So can you please just forget about our reality? Just for now?"

Yifan gave him that dead stare again, "Do you love Sehun?"

"Yes!"

" _Then stop_ ," 

With that Yifan left the room.

Zitao sank down on the ground as he heard Yifan collapse on the couch again. He couldn't really understand his heart, but right now the only thing he wanted was to be near Yifan. Of course he loved Sehun, but he had hated Yifan, thinking he would never meet him again... But now he was here, right beside him. 

Zitao took a deep breath as he stood up, walking into the other room, "How have you been then?" he tried, hoping at least they could have a decent conversation, because there was still so much he wanted to be updated on.

Yifan seemed to follow, "It's been hard, but I've been good," he smiled, "It was a long time ago I felt this happy,"

They managed to start a good conversation, talking about what had happened in both their lives after Yifan had left. They had also played their favorite card game and heated up some frozen pizza's they found in the freezer, eating it while watching a random movie. They laughed until they cried and it seemed like the time had been rewined to the old days. They hadn't checked the time once, and got reminded when Yifan's friend called,

  


"Hello?" Yifan answered, "Oh shit, already?"  
  
...  
  
"Yeah, I mean if it's alright with you?"  
  
...  
  
"Ok, wait," he looked over at Zitao, lowering his phone, "Zitao, it's already 11pm and I should be going if you don't... um,"

  


Zitao panicked, pulling up his phone as well, "Shit, already?" checking it, he was relieved it was 'only' 2 missed calls from his mother, "My mum must be worried," he laughed.

He looked over at Yifan, "Do you have to go?"

"I was just about to ask you if maybe... I don't know, I mean, my friend said we could, you know, stay here over night-"

"I want to!"

Zitao's fast answer sent a smile to Yifan's face, and he brought the phone to his ear again, "Thank you, we will stay then."

He finished the call, "You should call your mum," Yifan smiled and Zitao giggled as he dialled home.

  


"Hey, mum!"  
...  
  
"I know, I'm sorry! I just ran into an old friend,"  
  
...  
  
"Of course, I'm ok!"  
  
...  
  
"I know it's late, so is it ok if I sleep here?"  
  
...  
  
"Ah, I don't think you ever met him,"  
  
...  
  
"Mum please, I will come home before lunch tomorrow, ok?"  
  
...  
  
"Thank you!" Zitao gave him thumbs up.

  


As Zitao ended the call Yifan raised an eyebrow, "Is it ok to lie to your mother like this?"

Zitao rolled his eyes, "If I told you it was you, she probably would've called the police,"

"Haha!"

Yifan had to get up early, so after another round of the card game they headed to bed. Finding un-used toothbrushes and t-shirts to sleep in. The bed wasn't big, but not that small either, and none of them really cared about sleeping beside each other - they had already done that many times before anyway...

As the lights were off, Zitao watched the older, fingers reaching out to trace the sharp features once again, "You're still very handsome,"

Yifan snorted, "I guess,"

"But I'm still better," Zitao finished and giggled, earning the famous bitchy glare in return.

"Still as admired by yourself?" Yifan asked, "I should've knowned,"

The younger laughed, "I'm just quoting my fans,"

"Yeah right..."

"Hey!" Zitao slapped Yifan's arm and the other laughed out loudly.

Zitao kept on throwing light punches on the older as Yifan did his best to hide under the covers. 

The fight soon died out when their bodies got close, eyes meeting.   
Zitao noticed Yifan struggling to keep his hands to himself just as much as he did. 

It felt so normal to lean in, pressing their lips together without even thinking. When they pulled away Zitao only managed to let out a quiet 'please', before Yifan captured his lips once again. The kiss was slow, but daring - hands slipping their ways beneath their clothes, caressing smooth skin.

Zitao let out a moan, he had missed this. He knew he loved Sehun, but it had always been special with Yifan.  With Sehun it was out in the open, they talked about it, they explored. With Yifan it had only been shared emotions, stolen kisses, no talk and plain trust. Everyone said it was difficult to forget your first love - Zitao was a very good example of this.

Yifan switched in position to lie on top of the younger, mouth moving down to his neck, leaving wet open kisses, knowing the right spots. Zitao closed his eyes as he let Yifan explore him, his own hands coming up to caress Yifan's broad shoulders. Zitao sighed into the kiss as their mouths connected once more.

Zitao found himself slightly trembling, overwhelmed by the emotions his body and mind was feeling. Pressing Yifan closer, he trusted his hips up, letting Yifan feel how much he'd missed this, how hard he was starting to get. Yifan moaned into his mouth and pressed his own hips down, meeting Zitao's. The grinding made them both full hard into arousal within seconds, and Yifan pulled down Zitao's pants with ease, sliding big hands inside the red boxers, squeezing Zitao's butt. The squeeze made Zitao groan out in need, fumbling to reach in between them to stroke Yifan's clothed bulge. Sehun was never rough with Zitao, which was the total opposite in how Yifan handled him. It sent a kick to Zitao, making him feel needed and sexy. 

A bite on the nape of his neck made Zitao reach his limit, "Just do it!" he almost screamed out, "Please, Yifan, please I'm begging you,"

Yifan hovered over him, deep eyes looking down, "Zitao, you know yo-"

"I've been wanting to touch you, kiss you, feel you ever since this shit we had started," Zitao said firmly, "I was devestated when you stopped, because you made me feel unwanted-"

"You're not unwanted-"

"But that's what it feels like! I loved you! I really really loved you, yet you refused to touch me even though I felt you wanted to," he gave the older's cock a squeeze, "If you still want me, this is your last chance," 

Yifan stared at him, eyes flickering from the sharp eyes to his kiss-swollen lips. Zitao reached up for a kiss, "Show me that you love me,"

Yifan took a deep breath, "Won't you regret it?"

Zitao pulled himself up on his elbows, noses touching, "No," he mumbled against the other's mouth, "You know I won't,"

Yifan relaxed, and soon the roughness turned softer, tender, more loving. Zitao was surprised how well it was going, how his body kept on shaking, how could Yifan be this good? Even though it hurted a bit without any lube in hand, Zitao was even more surprised how easy Yifan's cock slided inside of him, regarding his size. How Yifan got so good at foreplay, stretching him out, was another mystery left untold.

 

Yifan was woken up by his phone ringing - it was time for his schedule.  
Looking down at the sleeping younger boy, he wished he didn't have to go back to reality. The decision of finally having sex with Zitao had probably been the worst and best choice the both of them had made. They had gotten what they always wanted, but it would have been so much easier to leave and forget if they hadn't.

He lied down again, spooning Zitao, kissing his neck, "Time to wake up," 

Zitao turned around, hugging the older, "I don't really want to,"

Yifan sighed and kissed the top of his head, "Me neither,"

"When does your schedule start?"

"My manager is picking me up in one hour,"

Zitao tried to ignore the pain stabbing his heart, "I see,"

Yifan hugged him closer, "When are you going back to Korea?"

"In two days,"

They cuddled for a while, sharing more kisses before making breakfast. The smile on their faces never fading and Zitao felt fulfilled once again, trying to ignore the fact that it was only 20 minutes left before they had to part once again. Zitao was supposed to go home 10 minutes prior, before Yifan's manager had to pick him up in the park. 

"Wouldn't it be easier if I quit as well?" Zitao mumled against Yifan's neck as they hugged.

"No," Yifan sighed, "See? This is why I didn't tell you, like I said-"

"I know... But-"

"Live your life as you want, Zitao. Have fun with Sehun, with your fans, with EXO," Yifan kissed his cheek.

Zitao nodded, swallowing the lump in his throat.

Yifan smiled at him, "And don't say we'll never meet again, because who knows?"

Zitao rolled his eyes, "Yeah, that chance is around one in a million,"

Yifan looked at him, "Don't say that," he paused, "But can you keep quiet about this? Don't tell the others you met me,"

"Wh-"

"It would only cause misunderstandings. People would get angry at you... especiallly Sehun," he ended with a whisper.

Zitao nodded and glanced at the kitchen clock - five more minutes.

"Can we kiss before I leave?"

Yifan laughed, "Of course,"

And they did, pouring out their feelings, the lost love, feeling each others' touch for one last time.

~ ~ ~

Zitao had been crying the whole way back home, not even trying to make it stop. He had made the tears into an excuse to his parents, saying he wanted to go back to Korea, saying he missed his friends. It hadn't been hard to convince them with all the tears and sobbing, staying in China now would only make it worse. The thoughts about Yifan would never leave his head if he stayed here.

He was pretty much drained out when he boarded the plane to Seoul the next day, eyes even more dark and puffy than they usually were. It would only hurt if he cried more, bringing more salt into his sensitive eyes. 

As he reached the dorm he was met with confusion - getting asked why he was home early, why it looked like he hadn't slept in weeks, if he was sick, why why why, until Sehun grabbed him and pulled him into his room.

"Shh, it's ok," Sehun said as he hugged him close, sitting down on the bed.

Zitao held onto his boyfriend tight, sobbing into the newly washed t-shirt, "It hurts," he said with raspy voice, "My eyes hurt,"

Sehun smiled, "It will stop hurting later, so let the tears out,"

Zitao felt horrible, both because he missed Yifan and because he didn't feel as guilty as he should. He had cheated on Sehun, his boyfriend, the boy he loved and who loved him.

"Sehun," he started, clearing his throat, "I..." he couldn't say it, he didn't want to, he had promised not to, "I'm sorry,"

Sehun only hugged him closer, laying down with him on the bed, stroking his hair. Zitao kept apologizing, kept on crying, and Sehun could only accept and take it in.

"I love you," Sehun said calmly, kissing Zitao's forehead, "I love you so much,"

Zitao looked up at him, "I love you too," he said smiling, "Thank you,"

It took 30 minutes for Zitao to fall asleep. Sehun waited 15 more minutes after that, holding his boyfriend, giving him the comfort he knew he needed, before he slowly eased himself out of the bed. After stepping out of the room, closing the door behind him, he sank down on one of the kitchen chairs beside Kyungsoo who was reading yet another sport manga. The other members occupied in front of the television.

"How is he?" Kyungsoo asked.

Sehun sighed, "He met Yifan,"

Kyungsoo stared at him, closing the book, "He told you?"

Sehun shook his head, "There's only one person who make him cry like this."

"You got a point," Kyungsoo gave him a sad look, "How are you feeling about this?"

"I don't know," he drew his hand through his hair, "I just hope they sorted things out,"

Kyungsoo nodded.

"I mean he loved Yifan," Sehun continued, "And even though I'm his boyfriend now, I don't want them to hate each other."

"What if Yifan loved Zitao as well?"

"Look, I know they had something going on, I'm not stupid. If only Zitao did what he wanted to do in order to feel closure... whatever happened between those two in Qingdao won't bother me,"

Kyungsoo squeezed the youngest shoulder, "I think it will turn out ok,"

Sehun smiled, "Yeah, me too."

\- - - - - - - - - - - -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU all for reading *o* and I hope you like it!  
> looking forward to post the rest of my writings here, and new projects as well


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